Honestly, I don't even know where to begin. There are so many things going through my head and my heart. I have this overwhelming feeling that I need to decompress but I just don't know how to go about it. Drinking hasn't done anything to help!
The services for Dax were today. They really were beautiful. Thanks to the Klonopin, I was able to make it through okay. I had my moments but I managed. First of all, I don't like to cry in front of people, regardless if half the room is also crying. I tried to keep reminding myself of the last line of his obituary. "If you could see where I'm standing now, you would not cry for me".
In my heart I know he is free of pain and suffering and is probably having a great time.
The part I struggle with is everything else. I can't even imagine, nor do I want to, what it's like to go through something like this. Can not comprehend. And it makes me mad that somebody I care about has gone through it. Why? Why should a parent have to lay their child to rest? Why should they outlive their child? Maybe if I had a little more religious background I could possibly understand it better.
The talks that were given were so nice. His grandpa shared so much about Dax and the things he said and did and liked. So many of them reminded me of Camden.
Jeb did so much for him. So much to make the last 10 months the best of his life. He showed such strength by speaking and showing such raw emotion. There isn't a doubt in my mind that there isn't anything Jeb wouldn't have done for Dax.
One thing that was hard for me was to watch my husband. Sara sat between us, not really sure why, but I guess it was a good thing. There are only a handful of times that I have seen him show emotion. When I noticed he was crying, it broke my heart. It isn't easy to watch your friend go through losing a child and also when Camden is so close in age. It just makes you realize how lucky we are to have what we do. We only had to experience about 45 minutes of the possibility that Camden had a brain tumor. Luckily, he didn't....we just had an asshole emergency room dr that lacked any sense of compassion.
I just don't understand how this is fair. There are so many other people in this world that do horrible things and they get to live. So why did this wonderful little boy have to be subjected to the cruelty of cancer?
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