Tuesday, June 21, 2011
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
It Just Isn't Fair
Honestly, I don't even know where to begin. There are so many things going through my head and my heart. I have this overwhelming feeling that I need to decompress but I just don't know how to go about it. Drinking hasn't done anything to help!
The services for Dax were today. They really were beautiful. Thanks to the Klonopin, I was able to make it through okay. I had my moments but I managed. First of all, I don't like to cry in front of people, regardless if half the room is also crying. I tried to keep reminding myself of the last line of his obituary. "If you could see where I'm standing now, you would not cry for me".
In my heart I know he is free of pain and suffering and is probably having a great time.
The part I struggle with is everything else. I can't even imagine, nor do I want to, what it's like to go through something like this. Can not comprehend. And it makes me mad that somebody I care about has gone through it. Why? Why should a parent have to lay their child to rest? Why should they outlive their child? Maybe if I had a little more religious background I could possibly understand it better.
The talks that were given were so nice. His grandpa shared so much about Dax and the things he said and did and liked. So many of them reminded me of Camden.
Jeb did so much for him. So much to make the last 10 months the best of his life. He showed such strength by speaking and showing such raw emotion. There isn't a doubt in my mind that there isn't anything Jeb wouldn't have done for Dax.
One thing that was hard for me was to watch my husband. Sara sat between us, not really sure why, but I guess it was a good thing. There are only a handful of times that I have seen him show emotion. When I noticed he was crying, it broke my heart. It isn't easy to watch your friend go through losing a child and also when Camden is so close in age. It just makes you realize how lucky we are to have what we do. We only had to experience about 45 minutes of the possibility that Camden had a brain tumor. Luckily, he didn't....we just had an asshole emergency room dr that lacked any sense of compassion.
I just don't understand how this is fair. There are so many other people in this world that do horrible things and they get to live. So why did this wonderful little boy have to be subjected to the cruelty of cancer?
The services for Dax were today. They really were beautiful. Thanks to the Klonopin, I was able to make it through okay. I had my moments but I managed. First of all, I don't like to cry in front of people, regardless if half the room is also crying. I tried to keep reminding myself of the last line of his obituary. "If you could see where I'm standing now, you would not cry for me".
In my heart I know he is free of pain and suffering and is probably having a great time.
The part I struggle with is everything else. I can't even imagine, nor do I want to, what it's like to go through something like this. Can not comprehend. And it makes me mad that somebody I care about has gone through it. Why? Why should a parent have to lay their child to rest? Why should they outlive their child? Maybe if I had a little more religious background I could possibly understand it better.
The talks that were given were so nice. His grandpa shared so much about Dax and the things he said and did and liked. So many of them reminded me of Camden.
Jeb did so much for him. So much to make the last 10 months the best of his life. He showed such strength by speaking and showing such raw emotion. There isn't a doubt in my mind that there isn't anything Jeb wouldn't have done for Dax.
One thing that was hard for me was to watch my husband. Sara sat between us, not really sure why, but I guess it was a good thing. There are only a handful of times that I have seen him show emotion. When I noticed he was crying, it broke my heart. It isn't easy to watch your friend go through losing a child and also when Camden is so close in age. It just makes you realize how lucky we are to have what we do. We only had to experience about 45 minutes of the possibility that Camden had a brain tumor. Luckily, he didn't....we just had an asshole emergency room dr that lacked any sense of compassion.
I just don't understand how this is fair. There are so many other people in this world that do horrible things and they get to live. So why did this wonderful little boy have to be subjected to the cruelty of cancer?
Monday, June 13, 2011
Wednesday, June 1, 2011
For some reason, I've always liked this song....especially when I'm not in a good mood. Usually irritated or pissed off about whatever. Maybe it's because I can vent some of my anger or irritation that gets built up inside me. It also feeds the passive-aggressive side of me. It's really threatening but in all honesty,I would never do anything like that.
"Break Stuff"
Limp Bizkit
Its just one of those days
When you don't wanna wake up
Everything is fucked
Everybody sux
You don't really know why
But you want justify
Rippin' someone's head off
No human contact
And if you interact
Your life is on contract
Your best bet is to stay away motherfucker
It's just one of those days!!
[chorus]
Its all about the he says she says bullshit
I think you better quit
Lettin' shit slip
Or you'll be leavin with a fat lip
Its all about the he says she says bullshit
I think you better quit talkin that shit
(Punk, so come and get it)
Its just one of those days
Feelin' like a freight train
First one to complain
Leaves with a blood stain
Damn right I'm a maniac
You better watch your back
Cuz I'm fuckin' up your program
And if your stuck up
You just lucked up
Next in line to get fucked up
Your best bet is to stay away motherfucker
Its just one of those days!!
[chorus]
I feel like shit
My suggestion is to keep your distance cuz right now im dangerous
We've all felt like shit
And been treated like shit
All those motherfuckers that want to step up
I hope you know I pack a chain saw
I'll skin your ass raw
And if my day keeps goin' this way I just might break somethin' tonight...
I hope you know I pack a chain saw
I'll skin your ass raw
And if my day keeps goin' this way I just might break somethin' tonight...
I hope you know I pack a chain saw
I'll skin your ass raw
And if my day keeps goin' this way I just might break your fuckin' face tonight!!
Give me somethin' to break
Give me somethin' to break
Just give me somethin' to break
How bout your fuckin' face
I hope you know I pack a chain saw, what!!...
A chain saw, what!!...
A motherfucking chain saw, what!!...
So come and get it
[chorus]
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